23 Sep 2013 15:07

1) It never ends well for dictators

Hitler, Mussolini, Saddam Hussein, Paul Hollywood. Seemingly great men who let their egos run wild and ended up in reduced circumstances.

Now you can add Paolo Di Canio to that list . The Italian once claimed that he only admired Mussolini’s less maniacal early years – perhaps he should have read the last chapter.

2) David Moyes needs to man up

Bleating on about the fixtures when you’ve failed to beat Chelsea, Liverpool and City in the first six weeks of the season isn’t impressing anyone.

Laurence Griffiths

3) United should snap up Jesse Lingard

I'd never heard of this lad before his four-goal debut for Birmingham on Saturday, but if he could have transferred that form to Old Trafford, Moyes would have been purring over a 5-4 away win.

What’s that – he’s already a United player and only on loan to the Blues? Oh…

3) Steve Bruce needs to do Strictly

Who could fail to have been enthused - and even aroused - by the sight of the Hull boss scampering around on the touchline when Hull’s winning goal went in?

The thought of him prancing about with Ola or Kristiana is giving me ‘special feelings and emotions'.

4) Alan Shearer doesn’t need to be invited on to Strictly

Match Of The Day 2 was enhanced by Shearer’s attempt to demonstrate how to defend a corner, with the ex-England legend getting ‘touch tight’ with presenter Mark Chapman.

No ‘special feelings and emotions’ were registered on my sofa during that one.

Getty

5) You should always dress for the job you want rather than the one you’ve got

Steve Bruce again, although this is his Hull City Tigers rather than the man himself (who continues to stick with social security shell suit chic).

You can’t tell me that there’s no correlation between Hull’s daring win at Newcastle on Saturday and the fact that they pitched up for it dressed as France’s 1998 World Cup winners.

6) Celtic have won the SPL

Level on points and with a game in hand over leaders Inverness Caledonian Thistle. That’s that all wrapped up then.

7) Aaron Ramsey is the new Gareth Bale

In fact, he’s better. Banging goals in every time he takes to the pitch , he even avenged his nemesis (Stoke City) at the weekend. Also, no nauseating goal celebrations.

PA

8) Gareth Bale is the new Kaka

Just a couple of weeks into his spell at Real Madrid and it’s all going horribly wrong.

A pre-kick-off injury last night has led to a diagnosis of muscle fatigue . It’s all psychosomatic – he’ll be living in a caravan by 2015.

9) We’re REALLY missing Mario Balotelli

The first missed penalty of his career, a goal and a red card. English football is so much duller without him.

Still, we’ve got, erm, Jozy Altidore…

10) Sunderland need to change their nickname and mascot

Are black cats supposed to lucky or unlucky? I can never quite remember.

Either way, the Mackems’ black cat needs putting in a sack, weighing down with bricks and chucking in the Wear.